Coucou Mon Amour

The United States...





...is fucking glorious.


I've never felt so lucky in my whole life to be an American.

No Need To Say Goodbye

This is the end of my stay here in Cote d’Ivoire, but it just the beginning of my journey.
Ok that was super freakin cheesy and I’m really sorry but I had to say it. I can finally write all the things that have happened to me because I’ll be home before my mom has time to freak out. I’ve gone through a lot of stuff here, and questioned everything I have believed in. I have also found belief in things I never would have before. I’ve seen girls get circumcised, I’ve had a machine gun pressed against my forehead (mom don’t freak), I’ve run from an exploding building, I’ve had a child die in my arms, I’ve watched countless other people breathe their last, I’ve been pushed around and made fun of daily because of my white skin and my inability to understand the native tongue here, I’ve met some of the most bizarre people, I’ve nearly gone insane a few times, and I’ve spent some nights crying me eyes out because I couldn’t handle all the emotions going through me…and I’ve never been happier in my whole life.
Shit happens. That’s what I’ve learned here. Shit happens and you deal with it as best you can. I’ve also learned that it is a teenage feeling to want to change the world. No one can change the world, but we can make differences. No action is too small. You may feel you have no way of making a difference in the world, but you have no idea how many lives you’ve touched just by living yourself. If you’ve ever given someone money when they were low on cash, if you’ve ever shared your umbrella with someone in the pouring rain, if you’ve ever gone out of your way at all to help someone else, you’ve made a difference, and it may seem small but you have no idea what it meant to the person on the receiving end. As I write this now, a song by the amazingly talented Regina Spektor’s The Call runs through my head. This may be the end of my first real adventure, but there is no need to say goodbye. I’ve got loads of new ideas, no approaches, and new perspectives, and a new plan for my path in life. Not to say I have a path already, I’ve yet to create it, but I have an idea of how I want to go about things now. I feel like I’ve matured about 20 years since I’ve been here (although I still act mentally challenged when I have a lot of sugar so no worries people). I’ve also found I am a lot calmer. I never used to be able to concentrate a lot on things because I always wanted to be running all over, but now I can sit for a long time and just read. It’s a great feeling to just sit and think, to just take a step back and look at the world from a different perspective. Now I can't wait to come home and use what I've learned. But I think I'm done blogging for a little while. I just won't have anything cool to say when I am back in Madison now that I've experienced all this! But maybe I'll drop by every once in a while to put in my two cents. Thanks for listening to my rambling even though Uncle Sam cut it short. I can’t wait to see you all when I get back home and thanks for all you’ve done for me. Also thanks for leaving comments on my blogs so I knew anyone actually read them!

Just a Little Add-On

Yesterday was one of the saddest days of my life. Actually I could say that for about half the days I've been here, but yesterday was especially sad. Roxanne and Junior were fighting as usual, and as usual Roxanne runs crying to her mom to get Junior in trouble. But today she actually had a reason to be upset, as Junior ripped out all the pages in her coloring book just to be a douche. So she went crying to her mom, but instead of comforting her, she threw Roxanne on the bed and whacked her 5 times with a broom and told her not to come crying to her every second. She then took her nails and scratched Roxanne's leg and pushed her out of the room.

I was shocked. I was disgusted, I was so angry. Why would you do that to a 4 year old girl?! I told Roxanne to come to me and I put her on my lap and wrapped my arms around her. I pressed my cheek to hers and could feel her tears running down. In that moment I was no longer myself, and she was no longer Roxanne. We were much more than that. In my mind she represented all the little kids I had seen in the villages: starving, abused, ignored, left behind. And by holding her tight I felt like I was holding all of those little boys and girls. In my head if I held them tight enough to harm would befall them ever again. They would all be loved and cared for. I held her so tight I was surprised she didn't say anything to me. But I wasn't exactly aware of what was going on either. I was thinking back, remembering all the faces, the little innocent faces staring up at me. Images that will be burned in my mind forever.

This is my add-on. AIESEC could do so much to impact people's lives. And after a particular email I received yesterday, I am proud to call AIESEC-Madison home, once again. Let the games begin, and let the voices be heard.

Don't Feed Me Bullshit

I've been spending a lot of time thinking. Mainly because my replacement has already been adequately trained and my only purpose before my departure on Sunday is to sit and stare at my Mac. Although I do get to chat on yahoo messenger with all the Cote d'Ivoire AIESECers working away in the LC hang out, bringing in trainees, shipping out trainees, spreading HIV/AIDS awareness, and going around to local businesses/NGOs to ask for sponsorship. I'm realizing something profound each and every day I am here. I'm going to be extremely blunt here I hope none of you are offended. Actually no, I do hope some of you are offended because that means I got my point across. Why did I leave the United State on May 29, 2008 feeling sick to my stomach whenever I thought about my past semester in AIESEC? Because all of us in AIESEC-Madison were finally told what AIESEC really was: a business. Basically I was told the entire year that TNs are so great and they'll change your life because you'll meet AIESECers and love each other and get the AIESEC experience blah blah blah blah and I believed it all. I ate all those lies like they were candy. I was on an AIESEC high. I cared more about what I thought was "AIESEC work" than I did about my classes, because I believed we were doing something great. I believed we were working for a better tomorrow, for world understanding, for cultural awareness. And then at the end of the year we were all informed that no, events don't matter, feelings don't matter, it's all about exchange for a profit. AIESEC is a business, I get that. And leaving America, I was so angry I couldn't stand it. I left thinking this: AIESEC is nothing but a group of people who sit around and talk about change and love. It makes you feel good to be in AIESEC because you all love each other and everything is just fucking rosy as hell.
Now I have to apologize. I have to apologize to AIESEC Cote d'Ivoire, because my previous statement is not true in their case at all. I saw kids get excited to learn about HIV/AIDS because the AIESECers made it fun to learn about it. I saw businesses give sponsorship to AIESECers so they could travel to the Brazil conference without paying any money out of pocket. Why did the businesses give some rando kids money to take a field trip to Brazil? Because the AIESECers here have done so much to help the kids of Cote d'Ivoire that businesses are more than willing to give the AIESECers opportunities to go abroad, meet other people with similar experiences, and bring back that knowledge to further their achievements. Isn't that what we all signed up for? I know I did. AIESEC was presented to me as a way to change lives. What did I do Fall/Spring 2007-2008? I didn't change lives, that's for sure. And no one can tell me it's because I didn't do anything either. So what happened? I don't know either. But I can tell you that I can honestly say I have changed lives while I've been here. AIESEC gave me the opportunity to see things I would never have dreamed I would see. It let me experience things I never dreamed I would experience. Of course I am talking about AIESEC Cote d'Ivoire. AIESEC US gave me nothing but a hole in my stomach.
I know what you're thinking, "Meena, if you love Cote d'Ivoire so much, why don't you stay there." I'm really not trying to be a bitch. And I can't stay here because I am getting kicked out. In truth I am no longer a USA hater. I love the United States. I am so so SO grateful I was born there and get to reap the benefits of having an opportunity to succeed. I am just really super frustrated and disgusted. I want everyone to realize how much AIESEC-US...AIESEC-Madison could do if we cut the bullshit and did something. I'm realizing that I was truly brainwashed earlier in the year thinking AIESEC-US actually did any good for anyone else but themselves. I get it now. And if anyone can bring me to the light please speak, because I am so far from rejoining AIESEC in the Fall. Can someone tell me the point? Are we going to make things happen next semester or are we just going to smoke some shisha and talk about nothing?

Bonne arrive Tantie Carole

I woke up Friday morning hearing the screams of girls being circumcised in my head. I shot up and looked around, only to find Ami and Sabine staring at me thinking I had finally gone mad. I assured them everything was fine and so the most bizarre weekend of my life began. I didn't have to work Friday because it was the 4th of July and since my NGO is funded by the US government, they observe the same holidays as we do. Which was really good for me because I am so beat. At the same time Tantie Carole came over for the weekend to meet me. She is definitely really strange/insane. She is Amed's mother and Liza's sister and she spent 0 time with either of them. All she wanted to do was talk to me, sit with me, go places with me. Normally I would have been annoyed, but she is literally a character from Harry Potter. She talks with a shrill voice and is constantly bouncing around saying quirky things. She actually really reminds me of Mrs. Weasley because she will scream at Amed to go do something, and then turn around and be rosy to me not a second later. She also would whisk me away to nearby villages so I could meet her million friends. I humored her by telling her she was so popular, but actually I could tell that everyone thought she was crazy and were just nice to her because she wouldn't go away. She is also obsessed with babies, like someone else I know and if we passed anyone with a baby she would smother it and ask the mom if we could borrow it for a while. Borrow it for a while?!??! Africans are nice people, but they are not going to let a complete stranger borrow their child, psycho. So yeah that was extremely entertaining. Except then she told me I had to go to church with her on Saturday. I don't understand why everyone wants me to go to church with them but OK. I actually was not feeling it at all so I brought Roxanne along with me. I knew she would be tired/bored by the end and so Carole would be obligated to take us home right after. But unfortunately that plan backfired because Carole got invited to a party afterward and made us come with. Apparently party trumps children's needs. I actually I am really glad she made us go though because it was extremely hilarious. When we arrived everyone was like, holy white woman, and these photographers came out of nowhere and started taking pictures of me. I felt like a celebrity taking Roxanne by the hand and walking to our seats trying to avoid the cameras. I actually managed to get my hands on one of the pictures so I can show you all when I get back. But we finally got situated and all the sudden Tantie Carole gets up and leaves. She doesn't come back until 30 minutes later and she has collected 2 babies and has brought them back to our seats. She commands me to take one of them and says "I want this one, she's cuter". Ok I'll take the ugly baby off your hands. She was not ugly at all though, she had huge eyes and this amazing smile. Although at first she was scared of Roxanne and I and would not answer any of our questions. (She was not an infant, she was about 2, so she could legit talk, haha). Roxanne shouted, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!?!?!? about 10 times while the baby just stared at her. Although after a while she got used to us and we found out her name was Leslie. An hour later she all the sudden jumped off my lap and ran away. Me and Roxanne looked at each other and Roxanne said, "She's a little Bandite isn't she?" (I can't really translate Bandite, it literally means robber but you call someone a Bandite if they don't go along with what you say). It was alright though because it looked like they were starting to serve food so naturally Roxanne and I bolted to the serving line. As we reclaimed our seats and were eating/watching Carole dance around the grass like a crazy woman we saw little Leslie with a Fanta in her hand (Fanta is super popular here) and a completely orange face, running around the dance floor aka vacant grassy area. Through the course of the party we saw her run around with various drinks in her hand. She would stop dead in her tracks, stare at me and Roxanne, give us the biggest smile I've ever seen, take a huge gulp of Fanta and spill it all over herself, and then run away in a crooked line like she was extremely drunk. She's definitely going to be an alcoholic when she gets older.
Well it turned out Carole dragged us to the party because her love interest invited her, but he had left so she saw no reason to stay and told us we had to go. So we thankfully jumped out of our chairs and ran to the taxi that Carole had already hailed. That night Franc came over with two French EPs and they were really great.What was even greater was that I actually understood the conversation that was going on. Yesss. Although they came over at 11 pm and I was so tired so I didn't really contribute to the conversation.

Sunday was interesting. Roxanne and I are so close now I don't even want to think about leaving. I think what really did it was Sunday morning we were all watching Dora the Explorer and Junior starting hitting Roxanne for no reason. Normally she would yell Stop over and over and then go cry to her mom but this time I got up, took her in my arms and yelled at Junior to stop hitting my baby, and then I took her over to the couch to sit with me. After that she wanted to be by me all the time. If I would leave the house to go by a calling card she would come with, if I ate dinner she would demand to eat at the same time. And then Sunday afternoon her friends came over and all hell broke loose. Her friends are SUPER adorable and they are obsessed with me and always try to jump on me and hug me the entire time. But that particular Sunday Roxanne was not willing to share me with her friends and she started telling them if they were going to play with me they had to go home. Then Junior came over and hit her and she started screaming and ran into her room and sobbed. Apparently she was yelling my name over and over but I didn't hear her and when she emerged from her room and saw me playing with her friends she snubbed all of us and retreated to the patio where Sabine was preparing lunch. We all followed her and heard her explain to Sabine that I didn't come when she called and instead played with her friends and she was angry at me. But when she saw me sit down on the patio she jumped on me and wouldn't talk to her friends. Sooo she is mad at me, but only wants to be by me and not her friends. Okkkk. So she made them all go home so she could play with me alone.

This morning (Monday) we watched Dora together again, and ps- in the US Dora speaks English and teaches Spanish words, but in France she speaks French and teaches English words. I thought that was interesting. And we sang all the songs together and when it was time for me to go to work she sobbed and wouldn't let go of my leg until Ahmed dragged her off. I don't want to think about what she's going to do Sunday.

Updates

I am now finished with my travels around the country. Since I have made it known that I will be leaving next Sunday they are finding a replacement now so I can teach them how to do the job. However I forgot that everything is slower here, so when they say "we'll find a replacement right away" they mean they will find one next week. So now all I do is watch youtube when my boss leaves the office and sit around on facebook. Not a bad gig actually. I am pretty spent emotionally. I was talking to one of my body guards yesterday and I asked him if he had seen V for Vendetta. It so happened he had and I began to explain to him that I feel the same way Evie felt in the film after V made her go through prison and torture. She said she couldn't feel anything. She had no more emotion left. That's exactly how I feel. It's like the truth about the whole world came rushing at me all at once and all I could do was stand there and let it come. I've experienced things here no one should ever have to. I've had to tell a dying mother that her children both tested positive for HIV and have about 2 months to live. I've witnessed a female circumcision. I've had to tell children their mom has died from HIV and they now have to live with someone else. I've had my heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly. I read the blogs of some other AIESECers who are going all over, hanging at the beach, being crazy having a good time and I'm like, what the hell? They get to go have fun and I have to hold a dying child in my arms and say, "Its going to be alright" over and over when I know full well it won't be alright?

And at the same time I'm glad this all happened. I'm glad I got to give children new homes, with people who genuinely care about them. I get to play with a bunch of 2 year olds and discover over and over their delightful curiosity. Children are the most extraordinary thing I have ever seen. The world is magical, every person they meet taken right from a fairy tale. The princess from a far away land called America who came on her winged horse and saved the children. I have countless children ask me if I am a princess. I usually say yes, both to fuel their imagination and my ego. And then I sit down and tell them stories of my travels. I always knew I embellished stories and that I shouldn't do that, but here embellishment is the only way to go. I tell about my father, Prince of Iran who had to flee the country and come to America. And my mom, the princess of America, bored with her life and wanting adventure when she met the prince and they fell in love. They had a daughter named Meena, who was later stolen from their castle by an evil sorceress and the prince had to fight to win his daughter back. And now 19 years later the princess comes to Africa to help children. That story is a big hit among the kids. They usually ask for more so I have to quick think of stuff on the spot. I love it though. When you are with children you get to live in their world. You get to be dramatic and view everything around you as one big fantasy land.

In this same conversation with my body guard, he really had some interesting things to tell me. He told me I should be thankful I have seen what I have, because I've woken up. The world is no longer this far away place I'll never see. It's all real: all the problems, all the suffering. He said I don't know it yet but I've aged 10 years in the month and a half I've been here. He told me to run with it. He said I was destined for great things and he would be personally offended if he didn't see me on the cover of a newspaper one day doing good for the world.

I'm learning now that nothing happens quickly. So many people want to change the world, but the fact of the matter is that is nearly impossible to do in even 50 years. And to be quite honest, the world can't be completely peaceful. It just can't. Human nature won't allow that. I'm still trying to figure out what actions would need to take place to really try and save the world. And actually I think about it a lot. But I'll have to get back to you on that.
I realize I don't really say what I'm doing, I mostly just ramble on about my thoughts, so I'm going to give you some updates about what I've been up to:

- I now have full apparel from my NGO. This includes 2 t-shirts, a vest with 10 million different pockets, and a hat. We all wear these when we go to the village so we look uniform and official. Although sometimes I feel so official that I want to run in there, blast some James Bond music and walk slow-motion with shades on while my hair blows in the wind. Unfortunately, this does not happen.

- I have seen every brother in my house naked now because apparently I have been here long enough to not count as the opposite sex, therefore giving them privilege to walk around naked as they please. Needless to say I hide in my room when it approaches bathing time.

- Me and one of my body guards Gbaguidi are super tight now. Reasons why he is really entertaining include: he tells me Africa proverbs from his village, he knows Morse code, he tells me about his mistresses and updates on how he needs to hide them from his wife (this apparently is a popular act and sort of accepted), he sings high pitched to Alicia Keys songs, he tells me what he's going to do to anyone who tries to hurt me...which usually include bashing assaulter in the face with his machine gun and then doing crazy kungfu on him before he shoots him in the face. I reeeeally hope no one tries to assault me, for their sake.

- If I compliment my boss he tells me for at least an hour after how intelligent I am

- I taught FRENCH a week ago. Not English, French. The people in the village only spoke their native tongue and didn't know English so I taught them so words so they could communicate. It was freaking awesome.

- I've become the English teacher of Cote d'Ivoire. I have a sheet of paper with common words/phrases in English and French and distribute them daily because people always ask me if I have another for their friend/brother/sister/grandmother

- Someone dies regularly in Tantie Liza's family. She has been to 4 funerals since I've been here and she's going to one this Saturday. That has really nothing to do with me but I just think it's crazy how people are dropping like flies

- I'm doing operation "Don't eat everything in sight". I realized I am an oompa loompa and I need to settle down. I started last week but I have been cheating everyday and yesterday was the first day I was successful in containing myself.

- When I go eat with people who don't know me very well, they all assume I'm going to like spaghetti so they order that. Then I tell them I don't like spaghetti, thinking then they will order Ivorian food for me. Nope, they order fries. So from now on I only eat with people who know I like Ivorian food, haha.

- I read Perez on the daily now that I don't have any work to do. It is highly entertaining I have to admit.

I'm getting kicked out of the country

Not a joke.

I've actually known this for a while, as have some other people who I told but I didn't want to tell everyone until it was official. I am supposed to be moving my job to the West of Cote d'Ivoire and I went to the US embassy to let them know my whereabouts were going to be changed and it basically went like this:
Me: Hi I am going to be moving to Danane and I just wanted to let you know
Woman: Uhhh excuse me?
Me: Um.. yes
Woman: Are you kidding? It's ridden with military rebellions, the US embassy will not condone that
Me: Well I have to go there for my job
Woman: Well my job is to keep Americans safe while here and so I am telling you no, now change your flight and tell your boss you can't go. I am going to check after you have changed your flight to make sure you have changed it.
Me: Ok peace out

So yeah. I am coming back July 13 and will be spending the rest of the summer in my Waukesha, WI home.

In other news, I went to Danane this weekend and just got back. To be quite honest I don't want to go into detail with it because it was actually really traumatizing and I don't want to relive it in full for a while so I'll just write this small paragraph.
In Danane, I slept on the ground because there were no beds, I washed only once in the whole week because there was no water. I shared a bucket to bath with 20 other people, so we literally were all naked and stood in a line together and waited for the bucket. . There was no electricity or very much food. To be honest none of that really bothered me compared to when I visited the village where they put all the people dying of HIV/AIDS. It was absolutely horrific. I have never seen so much suffering. At night I couldn't sleep because I could hear the blood curdling screams of the girls having circumcisions performed on them without anesthesia. In Danane it is a cultural practice done on all the girls when they reach a certain age.
When I was the only one in the house I sat on my spot on the floor and just sat there. I thought of nothing. I felt nothing. Everything I've ever known in the US seemed superfluous. I've never in my life felt like that before. I literally didn't feel anything. I was numb. I can't rap my head around how these things happen to people. Why?

It's time for me to leave here. I can't live this life. Seeing pain everywhere you go. Seeing people live what you call life. That's not life. That's an exam you will never pass. Why are some people given the A+ (like me) and some people given the F without even being able to see the paper. I refuse to say God when talking about being given things because quite honestly I am still trying to figure all this religion stuff out. But it is certain that I was dealt an A+. A huge house, a wonderful family, parents with a lot of income who can pay for me to go to college, have an apartment, eat daily, have lots of things, etc. They forked out almost $4000 for me to come here just like that. People given the F would praise Jesus just to be able to see $4000 before they die.

Ami is quitting working for Elizabeth. She told Elizabeth today that she is leaving at the end of the month. I am so glad. She deserves way more than she has been given. I hope Sabine quits too. Although I don't know where she will go. Ami has a sister in Yopougon but Sabine has no one.

Shit I wish I could just snap my fingers and bring them to the US. They are such hard workers, they would soar in the land of opportunity. The longer I stay here the more I realize that the US is one of the greatest countries in the world. Before I left I hated America. I dissed it all the time. I hate our foreign policy, I hate our president, I hate our cabinet. But I love our country. Anyone can be anything they want. That is literally the truth. I can say, "I want to be the president when I am older" and it could very well happen. Ps I defs do NOT want to be president. But if I did it could happen. Here you are given what you are given. If you are poor, you work your ass off to get almost nothing in return, and then you die. And that is not being pessimistic, that is reality. It makes me sick to know that people in the US settle for a job. I know people at Madison who pick a major at random and say, OK I guess that's good. If they knew how lucky they are to be there, they would be more serious. If they could see what I've seen here. It's like people here are given flour and expected to make cookies. While in America people are given all the ingredients but they just let them spoil. Wake up!!!!

That's my rant. And I am disgusted with myself that I let my grades drop this semester. I get to go to college!!! Why am I slacking???

Ok I need to think of happy things. Here's what happened when I got back from Danane:
- Roxanne ran to the door when she heard the door slam. She was in the middle of taking a bath and was completely naked with suds running down her skin. I laughed so hard that I dropped all my luggage and choked on my gum.

- Junior messed up my camera and I screamed at him for 5 minutes. Then I abruptly stopped and in English yelled, "OMG I JUST SCREAMED AT YOU IN FRENCH AND IT ALL MADE SENSE AND I WASN'T EVEN THINKING OF HOW TO CONJUGATE!!!!" Needless to say he looked at me wide eyed wondering if I had gone off the deep end. He has been my servant ever since because I thinks I might kill him.

- I ate so many crepes when I got home that my stomache was huge and Sabine told me she's going to name my baby Christine because she loves that name. I am 100% positive that when I actually do have a baby girl, her middle name will be Christine.

- My boss in Danane was the king of tools, wearing all his bling and walking gangster while everyone around was in extreme poverty. He also was so awkward and even more Michael Scott. Office fans will appreciate the extreme Michael Scott similarities:
- He asked me if I was going to need any tampons while we were at the super market
- On the way to Danane we stopped at a "restaurant" and there was music playing and he got up and started scream singing the wrong lyrics to the song.
- He wore these capris that were like flood pants because he's so short but he loves the way they look on him so he will talk to someone and deliberately stare at his pants mid conversation in an effort to make the other person look also. He will also make comments like, "Oh yeah its in my new pants, oh my new pants are a little dirty. Oh let me look in the pocket of my NEW PANTS."
- He definitely pulled the win-win-win card yesterday at our faculty meeting where he settled a dispute by saying, "we are all colleagues here, if there is a dispute, come to me." Sooo basically we are all colleagues except him, who is the supreme God.
- I take the role as purse girl daily. He tells me I look very pretty today, he tells me who I am prettier than in the building (which apparently is everyone), and then proceeds to try and wow me with how he started the NGO....this is every day. I can literally recite his entire speech by heart, and in fact I do for Sabine and Ami. Every night they are like, "Do the Bossu imitation, do the boss imitation!!!"
- Yesterday was my birthday and he made everyone in the building say Happy Birthday to me and sing. Then he would tell them they were not singing well and they should learn from him, and he then would sing and make them copy. (I wished really hard that he would harmonize at the end like Michael, but apparently he hasn't reached that level of expertise yet).

Man there is sooo much more than I can't think of right now but I will be sure to tell you all in person.

There's like a ton I want to write but I have to go do some work so I'm going to peace out. Love you all!!!