Updates

I am now finished with my travels around the country. Since I have made it known that I will be leaving next Sunday they are finding a replacement now so I can teach them how to do the job. However I forgot that everything is slower here, so when they say "we'll find a replacement right away" they mean they will find one next week. So now all I do is watch youtube when my boss leaves the office and sit around on facebook. Not a bad gig actually. I am pretty spent emotionally. I was talking to one of my body guards yesterday and I asked him if he had seen V for Vendetta. It so happened he had and I began to explain to him that I feel the same way Evie felt in the film after V made her go through prison and torture. She said she couldn't feel anything. She had no more emotion left. That's exactly how I feel. It's like the truth about the whole world came rushing at me all at once and all I could do was stand there and let it come. I've experienced things here no one should ever have to. I've had to tell a dying mother that her children both tested positive for HIV and have about 2 months to live. I've witnessed a female circumcision. I've had to tell children their mom has died from HIV and they now have to live with someone else. I've had my heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly. I read the blogs of some other AIESECers who are going all over, hanging at the beach, being crazy having a good time and I'm like, what the hell? They get to go have fun and I have to hold a dying child in my arms and say, "Its going to be alright" over and over when I know full well it won't be alright?

And at the same time I'm glad this all happened. I'm glad I got to give children new homes, with people who genuinely care about them. I get to play with a bunch of 2 year olds and discover over and over their delightful curiosity. Children are the most extraordinary thing I have ever seen. The world is magical, every person they meet taken right from a fairy tale. The princess from a far away land called America who came on her winged horse and saved the children. I have countless children ask me if I am a princess. I usually say yes, both to fuel their imagination and my ego. And then I sit down and tell them stories of my travels. I always knew I embellished stories and that I shouldn't do that, but here embellishment is the only way to go. I tell about my father, Prince of Iran who had to flee the country and come to America. And my mom, the princess of America, bored with her life and wanting adventure when she met the prince and they fell in love. They had a daughter named Meena, who was later stolen from their castle by an evil sorceress and the prince had to fight to win his daughter back. And now 19 years later the princess comes to Africa to help children. That story is a big hit among the kids. They usually ask for more so I have to quick think of stuff on the spot. I love it though. When you are with children you get to live in their world. You get to be dramatic and view everything around you as one big fantasy land.

In this same conversation with my body guard, he really had some interesting things to tell me. He told me I should be thankful I have seen what I have, because I've woken up. The world is no longer this far away place I'll never see. It's all real: all the problems, all the suffering. He said I don't know it yet but I've aged 10 years in the month and a half I've been here. He told me to run with it. He said I was destined for great things and he would be personally offended if he didn't see me on the cover of a newspaper one day doing good for the world.

I'm learning now that nothing happens quickly. So many people want to change the world, but the fact of the matter is that is nearly impossible to do in even 50 years. And to be quite honest, the world can't be completely peaceful. It just can't. Human nature won't allow that. I'm still trying to figure out what actions would need to take place to really try and save the world. And actually I think about it a lot. But I'll have to get back to you on that.
I realize I don't really say what I'm doing, I mostly just ramble on about my thoughts, so I'm going to give you some updates about what I've been up to:

- I now have full apparel from my NGO. This includes 2 t-shirts, a vest with 10 million different pockets, and a hat. We all wear these when we go to the village so we look uniform and official. Although sometimes I feel so official that I want to run in there, blast some James Bond music and walk slow-motion with shades on while my hair blows in the wind. Unfortunately, this does not happen.

- I have seen every brother in my house naked now because apparently I have been here long enough to not count as the opposite sex, therefore giving them privilege to walk around naked as they please. Needless to say I hide in my room when it approaches bathing time.

- Me and one of my body guards Gbaguidi are super tight now. Reasons why he is really entertaining include: he tells me Africa proverbs from his village, he knows Morse code, he tells me about his mistresses and updates on how he needs to hide them from his wife (this apparently is a popular act and sort of accepted), he sings high pitched to Alicia Keys songs, he tells me what he's going to do to anyone who tries to hurt me...which usually include bashing assaulter in the face with his machine gun and then doing crazy kungfu on him before he shoots him in the face. I reeeeally hope no one tries to assault me, for their sake.

- If I compliment my boss he tells me for at least an hour after how intelligent I am

- I taught FRENCH a week ago. Not English, French. The people in the village only spoke their native tongue and didn't know English so I taught them so words so they could communicate. It was freaking awesome.

- I've become the English teacher of Cote d'Ivoire. I have a sheet of paper with common words/phrases in English and French and distribute them daily because people always ask me if I have another for their friend/brother/sister/grandmother

- Someone dies regularly in Tantie Liza's family. She has been to 4 funerals since I've been here and she's going to one this Saturday. That has really nothing to do with me but I just think it's crazy how people are dropping like flies

- I'm doing operation "Don't eat everything in sight". I realized I am an oompa loompa and I need to settle down. I started last week but I have been cheating everyday and yesterday was the first day I was successful in containing myself.

- When I go eat with people who don't know me very well, they all assume I'm going to like spaghetti so they order that. Then I tell them I don't like spaghetti, thinking then they will order Ivorian food for me. Nope, they order fries. So from now on I only eat with people who know I like Ivorian food, haha.

- I read Perez on the daily now that I don't have any work to do. It is highly entertaining I have to admit.

I'm getting kicked out of the country

Not a joke.

I've actually known this for a while, as have some other people who I told but I didn't want to tell everyone until it was official. I am supposed to be moving my job to the West of Cote d'Ivoire and I went to the US embassy to let them know my whereabouts were going to be changed and it basically went like this:
Me: Hi I am going to be moving to Danane and I just wanted to let you know
Woman: Uhhh excuse me?
Me: Um.. yes
Woman: Are you kidding? It's ridden with military rebellions, the US embassy will not condone that
Me: Well I have to go there for my job
Woman: Well my job is to keep Americans safe while here and so I am telling you no, now change your flight and tell your boss you can't go. I am going to check after you have changed your flight to make sure you have changed it.
Me: Ok peace out

So yeah. I am coming back July 13 and will be spending the rest of the summer in my Waukesha, WI home.

In other news, I went to Danane this weekend and just got back. To be quite honest I don't want to go into detail with it because it was actually really traumatizing and I don't want to relive it in full for a while so I'll just write this small paragraph.
In Danane, I slept on the ground because there were no beds, I washed only once in the whole week because there was no water. I shared a bucket to bath with 20 other people, so we literally were all naked and stood in a line together and waited for the bucket. . There was no electricity or very much food. To be honest none of that really bothered me compared to when I visited the village where they put all the people dying of HIV/AIDS. It was absolutely horrific. I have never seen so much suffering. At night I couldn't sleep because I could hear the blood curdling screams of the girls having circumcisions performed on them without anesthesia. In Danane it is a cultural practice done on all the girls when they reach a certain age.
When I was the only one in the house I sat on my spot on the floor and just sat there. I thought of nothing. I felt nothing. Everything I've ever known in the US seemed superfluous. I've never in my life felt like that before. I literally didn't feel anything. I was numb. I can't rap my head around how these things happen to people. Why?

It's time for me to leave here. I can't live this life. Seeing pain everywhere you go. Seeing people live what you call life. That's not life. That's an exam you will never pass. Why are some people given the A+ (like me) and some people given the F without even being able to see the paper. I refuse to say God when talking about being given things because quite honestly I am still trying to figure all this religion stuff out. But it is certain that I was dealt an A+. A huge house, a wonderful family, parents with a lot of income who can pay for me to go to college, have an apartment, eat daily, have lots of things, etc. They forked out almost $4000 for me to come here just like that. People given the F would praise Jesus just to be able to see $4000 before they die.

Ami is quitting working for Elizabeth. She told Elizabeth today that she is leaving at the end of the month. I am so glad. She deserves way more than she has been given. I hope Sabine quits too. Although I don't know where she will go. Ami has a sister in Yopougon but Sabine has no one.

Shit I wish I could just snap my fingers and bring them to the US. They are such hard workers, they would soar in the land of opportunity. The longer I stay here the more I realize that the US is one of the greatest countries in the world. Before I left I hated America. I dissed it all the time. I hate our foreign policy, I hate our president, I hate our cabinet. But I love our country. Anyone can be anything they want. That is literally the truth. I can say, "I want to be the president when I am older" and it could very well happen. Ps I defs do NOT want to be president. But if I did it could happen. Here you are given what you are given. If you are poor, you work your ass off to get almost nothing in return, and then you die. And that is not being pessimistic, that is reality. It makes me sick to know that people in the US settle for a job. I know people at Madison who pick a major at random and say, OK I guess that's good. If they knew how lucky they are to be there, they would be more serious. If they could see what I've seen here. It's like people here are given flour and expected to make cookies. While in America people are given all the ingredients but they just let them spoil. Wake up!!!!

That's my rant. And I am disgusted with myself that I let my grades drop this semester. I get to go to college!!! Why am I slacking???

Ok I need to think of happy things. Here's what happened when I got back from Danane:
- Roxanne ran to the door when she heard the door slam. She was in the middle of taking a bath and was completely naked with suds running down her skin. I laughed so hard that I dropped all my luggage and choked on my gum.

- Junior messed up my camera and I screamed at him for 5 minutes. Then I abruptly stopped and in English yelled, "OMG I JUST SCREAMED AT YOU IN FRENCH AND IT ALL MADE SENSE AND I WASN'T EVEN THINKING OF HOW TO CONJUGATE!!!!" Needless to say he looked at me wide eyed wondering if I had gone off the deep end. He has been my servant ever since because I thinks I might kill him.

- I ate so many crepes when I got home that my stomache was huge and Sabine told me she's going to name my baby Christine because she loves that name. I am 100% positive that when I actually do have a baby girl, her middle name will be Christine.

- My boss in Danane was the king of tools, wearing all his bling and walking gangster while everyone around was in extreme poverty. He also was so awkward and even more Michael Scott. Office fans will appreciate the extreme Michael Scott similarities:
- He asked me if I was going to need any tampons while we were at the super market
- On the way to Danane we stopped at a "restaurant" and there was music playing and he got up and started scream singing the wrong lyrics to the song.
- He wore these capris that were like flood pants because he's so short but he loves the way they look on him so he will talk to someone and deliberately stare at his pants mid conversation in an effort to make the other person look also. He will also make comments like, "Oh yeah its in my new pants, oh my new pants are a little dirty. Oh let me look in the pocket of my NEW PANTS."
- He definitely pulled the win-win-win card yesterday at our faculty meeting where he settled a dispute by saying, "we are all colleagues here, if there is a dispute, come to me." Sooo basically we are all colleagues except him, who is the supreme God.
- I take the role as purse girl daily. He tells me I look very pretty today, he tells me who I am prettier than in the building (which apparently is everyone), and then proceeds to try and wow me with how he started the NGO....this is every day. I can literally recite his entire speech by heart, and in fact I do for Sabine and Ami. Every night they are like, "Do the Bossu imitation, do the boss imitation!!!"
- Yesterday was my birthday and he made everyone in the building say Happy Birthday to me and sing. Then he would tell them they were not singing well and they should learn from him, and he then would sing and make them copy. (I wished really hard that he would harmonize at the end like Michael, but apparently he hasn't reached that level of expertise yet).

Man there is sooo much more than I can't think of right now but I will be sure to tell you all in person.

There's like a ton I want to write but I have to go do some work so I'm going to peace out. Love you all!!!

Life is Glorious

I was thinking I was going to write about this today and after reading This Jolie Fille's blog, I got inspired. It's funny to think about life. I mean what is it? The dictionary that came with my mac tells me life is

the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death

But that's not at all what people are talking about when they say "Life is glorious". To me, life is what's all around. Life is my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings. Life is adventuring and discovering. We are only on this earth for 80-100 years if you go naturally. I don't want to look back when I am 70 and think, damn what have I done for the past 70 years?
You know I do absolutely nothing when I am not working with the kids or when I am not helping people with HIV/AIDS so I have a lot of time to sit and think. Once when I was visiting a school of kids I was talking with this one girl named Rosemond and I was telling her how it was so hard to get adjusted to living here and how I really had to push myself to the limit. I was expecting her to be like, "oh man, that's rough!" or something like that but instead she smiled and said, "Life is beautiful, isn't it?"
It's things like this that make me love life. Things that catch you off guard and make you think. A 15 year old girl responded like that? That's amazing. This whole trip was worth it just to hear her say that to me. Her mom is dying from AIDS and she thinks life is beautiful. It floors me even today, as I am typing it. I visited a poor village a few days ago where there is not enough money for clothes for the children or even three meals a day. All the kids run around with a thin cloth around their waists and nothing else while the mom's and dad's work hard trying to sell their goods and do their daily chores. But they couldn't be happier. They feel blessed to be born in Africa, to have what they have, to watch their children run free without limits or oppression. When I got home that night I was so overcome by all the things I'd seen that I sat down on my bed and cried for a good hour. These people feel so fortunate, and here I am complaining about how I don't have shampoo. I think to when I will go back to America and live in a spacious apartment with two of my closest friends (but not my only closest friends), where I will undoubtedly have a stocked refrigerator and pantry. Where I will have air conditioning/heating, running water, electricity, a TV/DVD player, an exercise bike in my room, a closet full of clothes, a bathroom a share with only one other person, the greatest friends in the whole world, a wallet full of money, and a million opportunities to succeed in the real world with access to a college education. Why did I slack off in school? Why did I blow my cash on idiotic things I'm never going to use? Why did I sit back and let the world pass me by? Why didn't I get out there and show the world who I am? All around me I see the rich feeling cheated and the poor feeling unworthy. My boss has two houses, enough bling to put 50 cent to shame, a different suit for every day of the month, and a staff full of people waiting to cater to his ever need and he is angry that the Mexican government can't get him a visa fast enough so he can go visit there. Rosemond's dad left when she was 5, her mom is dying from AIDS, and she thinks life is beautiful.

People think Africa is ridden with sickness and poverty, but I see much more than that. I see more life here than I ever saw in America. When you come here you can't help but feel immersed in the spirit of Africa. All around people praise Mama Africa for giving them a home, a family, a life. I thank Mama Africa too, for waking me up and realizing what I have and where I want to go from here.

I am leaving for Danane tomorrow 6am sharp and won't be back until Monday so I won't be able to write until then, but I have some crazy news for you upon my return.

Someone's Having the Best Week Ever

Before I start this amazing blog post, I just want to point out that my secretary is acting hella weird right now. She has been acting kind of funny all week but today she poked her head in my door and said, Meena, don't be afraid of the man in the bathroom. I assumed she meant the cleaning person so I said OK. Then when she left I looked in the bathroom to see who it was and no one was there... I'm a tad creeped out.

But anyway so listen to this: Yesterday night I was trying to hale a taxi but they were all full so I had to stand in the pouring rain and wait. Meanwhile a man came up to me and stumbled through the most awkward English sentence ever saying, "You have you have parap..parap...uh...you have umbreya? you have umbreella??". I assured him, in French, that he need not speak English to me and that no I did not have an umbrella (I was in a bad mood). He then took out his and gave it to me and started asking me where I was from, how do I like Cote, etc. After talking with him for 5 minutes he says, wow, you speak French really well. And then he haled a taxi for me and gave me his umbrella to keep. On the ride back it hit me that he wasn't slowing his speech or dumbing his words down at all for me and I understood and responded. Yesssssss.
So today I was taking a taxi to work, praying to sweet Jesus the driver wouldn't talk to me, when all the sudden he turned around and said, are you going straight or do you need to turn? I stared at him blankly for a good 3 seconds before I realized that I actually understood what he was saying. He told him I had to get off at the next light and he nodded and started driving. Another yesssssss
Finally, I get to work and my boss says to me, you know Meena, when you first came here you didn't know what I was saying when I asked how you were, and now you understand everything I say. That's great improvement, and then he gave me an ear of corn. I am rocking this shit.

Of course this causes me to think a lot. I went back and reread my first blog entry after coming to Cote and I remember thinking that this language was insane and I would never be able to master it. Granted, I hadn't taken French since high school, but I would talk with my mom and be fine, and then I come here and I know nothing. But now I can comprehend and respond. Comprehension is probably the greatest feeling ever, in any subject. When I understand everything on an exam I feel kick ass. And it's the same here. Now I can watch movies with my brothers and sisters and laugh when they laugh bc I actually understand. Although I still can't understand a word the Dragon Ball Z characters say. Way too fast for me. But it's ok because I feel like even if I understood I would not really care haha.

And little Roxanne is still my favorite thing ever. She can get SO annoying sometimes but yesterday she said something to me that blew my mind. She asked me if I was leaving to go see my friends and I said no I was going to stay at home and play with her. So we started playing and then she took my hand and looked at me and said, you are my big sister, and Liza is our mommy. And the look on her face said a million things to me. It said how much it meant to her for me to come here and give her the big sister she never had, someone who would yell at her brothers when they try to hit her, and do girlie things with her all the time. It also told me that I was going to have a serious impact on her when I leave. Even when I leave for work and come back at 6pm, she runs out of the house and jumps on me and tells me she missed me.I hope she remembers me when she is 10, 15, 20 years old. But I try to think back on my childhood and I can't remember anything that happened to me when I was 4. Kindergarten is one big blur to me. I really hope she remembers me even just a little bit, because I am going to remember her for the rest of my life.

Why am I here?

My weekend was nothing short of insane. However my idea of insane has certainly changed. When I read other people's blogs who are abroad they are traveling all over, and being crazy living the AIESEC way. But my TN is a lot different. I have no desire to drink while I am here or party or be crazy. I do travel a lot but it's not to just have fun. It's crazy to me how much I have changed since I've been here. I know that once I go back to America I will be the same person who likes to have fun, but here it's different for me. This whole weekend I stayed at home or at least around the 5 mile radius of my house, but it was the best time. Most of the kids I live with are relatively my age, so we all just sat and talked and ate mangoes (haha) the entire weekend and it was absolutely lovely. My friend Edvish also came over so we all hung out together. If someone would have said to me before I left, "When you go to Cote d'Ivoire you are going to spend your weekends at your house and not go party with AIESECers" I would have been like, excuse me? But now that I am here it's so great! I think I finally know the meaning of relaxation on the weekends now. The weekends are also when I speak the most French. Everyone in my house who is older than 7 has taken many years of English in school but none of them want to speak it with me so we speak only in French. Ahmed and I also bonded over the fact that we both wanted Spain to win the game against Italy last night so we stayed up late to watch it together.

Last night was a different story all together. After the game I went into my room to sleep and as soon as I got into my bed I noticed the biggest bug ever was on the wall above my head staring at me. I freaked out for probably 5 minutes while Sabine and Ami laughed hysterically at me. Then we all tried to get it out of the room but it kept running away every time we would try and swat it. I can't even write this right now because I am laughing so hard thinking about how idiotic we probably all looked running around the room trying to hit the wall with various objects. We finally got it after probably 15 minutes but by then we were so wound up that we couldn't sleep so we ended up telling stories for half the night. I also got up and performed what I saw at church that day, which was people being overcome with God's love and falling on the ground screaming and crying. Sabine informed me this does not happen at her church, so I think I will go there next time.
At about 2 am we finally were tired enough to say goodnight and turn off the light, but the wheels in my head kept turning. I thought about the people at church and how I can't understand that at all. I thought about Ahmed, Sabine, and Ami and I how much I am going to miss them when I leave. I thought about why the world is the way it is, with some countries rolling in the doe, and some countries rolling in dirt. I thought about how the hell I am going to be able to change all the things I want to change being just one person. It's so discouraging to think that your ideas my never be heard because your voice is too small. And even here, I go around and talk to all these kids about HIV/AIDS, but are they listening? My NGO helps people who are dying from HIV/AIDS, but is it really helping that much when they still die in the end and we move on to the next patient? The medicine here isn't advanced enough to keep anyone alive for very long. It is the worst feeling in the world to get to know someone so well and then watch them die right before your eyes and there is nothing you can do about it. Will people ever listen? I can tell these kids over and over, but I was their age once too and I remember everything going in one ear and out the other. How am I going to get through to these kids? How am I going to stop people from dying? How can one America girl do anything that's going to mean something? Why am I here? Just to observe? Or do I actually have a purpose?

Lions For Lambs

I've realized being an American here definitely has it's major advantages. No one thinks you speak French so you can basically choose to ignore or acknowledge anyone you want to. When someone tries to sell me something, I have no idea what French is. But when people are talking about me, all the sudden I bust it out. I love when I am in the taxi and no one else will speak to me because they think I won't understand, and then an AIESECer will call me and I'll speak French with them and everyone in the taxi turns and stares at me in disbelief. It's kind of awesome.

On a sadder note, my boss really took it up a notch on the tool scale today. We went again to Yopougon to play with the children and talk about HIV/AIDS and he wore jeans, a super tight t-shirt, and about ten pounds of bling around his neck. He also wore these James Bond sunglasses and tried to walk all gangster the whole day. What is this man doing? He runs an NGO who’s tagline is “The child is the future” and he acts like a teenager. He is also surrounded by luxuries and materialization. He has three office buildings for the NGO but each has an especially large office inside it for him, including fridges filled with bottled water and food, and a staff full of people ready to wait on him hand and foot. When he goes to Danane he takes his sports car. His SPORTS CAR. To Danane, where he is supposed to be counseling and helping people who are dying from HIV/AIDS!! And some of my coworkers told me while he is in Danane he sits in his air conditioned office and "does paperwork" all day and doesn't come outside in the heat. When we went to Yopougon he was 4 hours late and then stayed for 30 minutes and then made me come with him to the dry cleaners to get his suit.
How can someone running such a powerful NGO be like that? It really reminds me of Lions for Lambs. If you haven't seen that movie you are really missing out. If you have seen it, he is the biggest lamb I've ever seen, running an NGO full of lions. I actually have been seeing this trend many places, lions being led by lambs. When will the lions take the reigns? Why does it always end up that the lamb is in charge? Does it take a lamb to lead because we need all the lions to do the dirty work?

Words That Will Stay With Me For Life

Second post of the day, sorry about it. But I just had like a mental overload and I need to write it down.

I went to a conference today with two other people from my NGO. Two members from each NGO who is in the battle for HIV/AIDS prevention were invited (and of course the American). There were four speakers and I have to admit the first three bored me to tears. Half way through the third speakers presentation one of my coworkers and I started placing bets on how long he was going to continue speaking. It also didn't help that he had a heavy accent and I could only understand half of what he was saying so my comprehension went something like this: "I am here today to sdjlghsgjkh about the akfhadj. I am so glad ejkhjkf to do afhakjsfhkj because I know efsdjfhsdj". Yeahhhh. But when the fourth man got up to speak, the whole room went silent. I didn't know who he was at first but my coworker Kayta informed me he was the Ministre de Lutte Controle. So basically he is the God of HIV/AIDS prevention work. And it showed. He was tall with a solid build and spoke with a thunderous voice. His words flooded the room and I swear touched my soul. He talked about how the world needs to wake up and realize that children are our future and every minute we waste neglecting to educate them is one minute taken off of success for world peace, world health, and world understanding. He then talked about making decisions and how to know what is a right and wrong decision. He said listen to your gut. If something really feels wrong, don't do it. Don't let other people try to convince you to do something you know would be bad. He also said don't stand and watch something you know is wrong. Don't watch something happen and not have a say in it, because you know later you will regret it. Take a stand for yourself and no one can tell you to stand for them.
After the conference I shook his hand and told him his words were still circling in my head and I hoped to do as many amazing things as he has done one day. He then looked me straight in the eyes and said, "My child, you have come here by yourself to the Ivory Coast where you know no one and do not speak this language fluently and you are still smiling. You have already accomplished more than you know".
I thought I was going to faint.